Let Go

Over-thinking will be the death of me, if I let it. 

We all do it, get quiet, and let our minds wander. But sometimes our minds wander to places we wish it wouldn’t. Our minds remind us of things we thought had been forgotten, mistakes we thought had been buried. Our minds, in those deep, dark places, hold all those secrets that we never let see the light of day. When you get into those moments, those quiet, still moments where we let our minds wander, it’s often very difficult to get ourselves out. Once you’re in, it’s like you’re reliving that moment, rehashing that mistake, over and over. Soon, that memory consumes you to the point where you completely forget it’s a memory and start to feel emotions as if the moment was present again. You forget that this mistake is in the past and begin to feel just as guilty, regretful, and ashamed as the day you made it. Thinking about the past can suck you in, if you let it.

See no matter what the outcome of that mistake was, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it now. What’s done is done. People think that to make yourself feel guilty about it is to make amends for what you did. The truth is making yourself remember to the point of tears just makes you miserable when the person, or people, you think you’ve affected has probably moved on. Think about it. While you lay there soaking your pillowcase, your so-called victim is probably sound asleep, not constantly replaying how much you hurt them or how much they hate you. I mean, really? Do you really think that what you did was so terrible that they take time out of their day to think about you? Doubtful. If anything they’re probably trying their hardest not to think about you at all. So why are you thinking about them? Thinking about your past mistakes doesn’t erase them and not thinking about your past mistakes doesn’t make you a terrible person. Consistently replaying the past does nothing but keep you in the past. Focus on the present and the future, things that you can have a positive impact on if you choose to. Remind yourself of the past only to remind yourself of how to have a better present. Learn from your mistakes, own them, and move on. Otherwise, you’ll be trapped in the black hole that is regret...and ain’t nobody got time for that.

The Release

Because I once made a mark in their lives, I am not allowed to redraw it today. Despite the marks they made in mine, I am not allowed to acknowledge it.

I am not used to leaving the past in the past because I feel it's a relevant part of your present. But in order to ensure the security of my future, I must learn to do just that.

Jordan, Immortal

It’s 5:38pm the day before this assignment is due and I am still second-guessing myself. Still trying to do something different, something out of the box, something unexpected, and something that will undoubtedly go against what I’m naturally good at. I’m a writer, but I abuse it. I pick it up. I put it down. I take it for granted. From crap poetry in the first grade to the blogs that I maintain now, I never really considered it a strength, rather something I just did. I could never keep up with a journal, no matter how hard I tried. But when I got upset, when I got happy, when I got emotional, I wrote. Wildly and rapidly until all my thoughts became words. Things that people could read and understand and relate to. Things that now had meaning. Things that I could act upon or sit on my ass on. Until this class, I never realized the power my words held or the fact that it was always with me. Never stopped to think why I owned a billion and one journals or constantly made new blogs every other month. Writing was always just...there. But now it’s here, and here to stay. Here and now acknowledged as a relevant part of my life, as a major solace in my life, as an immortal interpretation of my life.

The Blame Game

I'm slowly coming to terms with the mistakes I've made but what I can't figure out is why no one stopped me from making them in the first place....

And We Deserve It, I Think We Deserve It

Miss me? Yea I know. I've missed me too. I don't know where I've been or what took me so long to get back, but here I am.

This particular is inspired by my ex. Correction, it's inspired by love. So many people claim that they're over their ex, but I'm actually happy for mine. I just got on Facebook to see a billion new pictures of him and his girlfriend of now six months and you know what happened? My eyes watered up, literally. And not from jealousy, hatred, or sadness (hell no), but from pure joy. They looked so happy together...almost as happy as Daryl and I are. No but seriously, he looked so content with life and no matter what someone has done to me, at the end of the day I wouldn't wish sadness upon anyone. Although our friendship isn't how it used to be, nor will ever be again, I'm more than happy to watch him grow from afar. I'm even happier that I too am able to grow with the most incredible man that has ever graced my life by my side.

There is nothing, no one, that brings me more joy than Daryl. That feeling of ultimate ecstasy, peace, and love, I pray everyone gets to experience it. There truly is nothing greater than that little flutter in your heart, that stolen breath, that held back tear, that warm touch on your neck...okay well the last one was a personal thing. But truthfully all I want is for everyone to have that. I don't deserve it but I'm so glad God has blessed me with it.

Cheers to seven months and many more to come. I love you Daryl.