I often wonder if I give too much of myself away to others, now more than ever. But whether that's true or not, I've come to the conclusion that is just who I am. Sure I may go through "fuck the world" moments, but that's all they ever are: moments. As much as I try to hold on to the feeling of not feeling for others, I can't help it. I exert so much energy, time, effort, and thought into how I affect the lives of those around me, and for a long time, I assumed people did the same. Many bruises, scratches, and broken hearts later, I realized that is not the case. My only question now is, why? Not why do others not put forth the same effort, but why do I put in so much when I know I'll get nothing, absolutely nothing, in return?
This isn't a pity party, this is fact. I witness it everyday. I try not to step on people's toes and end up getting trampled. I always offer advice when asked, but when I look for counsel, all I find are deaf ears. I step back and question if there is someone I can truly call a friend, and I find none.
I learned at a young age that if you want friends you must first show yourself friendly. Have I been doing it wrong? Are friends not supposed to be there for you, protect you, support you, and defend you? Should they not tell you when you've messed up, be there to wipe your tears away, and keep negative influences out of your life? That's what I've been doing and yet, I have nothing to show for it. I have nobody to show for it.
